Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Issue Numero Dos

I've been putting off writing this one...cos it's about me!!

Issue Numero Dos is me... my self image/confidence relating to my weight and my mental health.  I'm not going to hash out the last decade and a half of my mental issues though as there is only 24 hours in a day and I need to sleep sometime this week!  Whilst I have been treated for depression several times in the past (from when I was 14) I have been off any meds or GP treatment since end of 2003.  Wow, nearly 7 years!!  Now I am more and more aware of the fact that I am bipolar and when my mood is heading the wrong way.  I'm also agoraphobic - whilst I am okay pretty much WHEN I am out and about, actually leaving the house alone is a struggle (I'm okay if I am with someone) Something I rarely rarely admit or talk about.

With DH's work/hours, being alone so much etc unfortunately I have been in a downward spiral for a while (manic crafting anyone!) With all the issues over Christmas and since I have gone into my vicious cycle of comfort eating > putting on weight > feeling more depressed as my self-image is so trashed > more comfort eating.  When I had my breakdown in 2001 (with the help of 4 years on Depo Provera as well) I shot up to a Sz 22.  I managed to get down to a Sz 20 when Harri was a year pg again...then lost the weight again when Rach was a year old back to a Sz 20.  Since I got pg with V, lost weight last summer, I have now gone back to a sz 24 ( hangs head in shame)

Losing weight has been one of my dreams for so long and finally I am at the stage when I am fed up of whinging about it and am actually going to do it.  For me.  For DH.  For the LO.  For oh so many reasons.  So I can be happy with myself, so I can dress how I want, so I can stop being embarrassed by myself and my body.  I am sick of binge eating, of stuffing my face with food and not enjoying a bite, of making excuses for myself when I am the only one that can change any of it!!  I want my DH to be proud of me (even though I know he is - but it's my perception that he is embarrassed by his fat wife) I want to have pictures of me and my LO instead of deleting them all because I hate how I look.  I want to be healthy (whilst I have no health issues I am more than aware that at 30 and hideously obese I am not far off developing some!)

So...the kick starter.  Apart from DH's health issues....a family wedding.  His side, who we avoid and none of whom has seen us lately (and when they did I was 20+ weeks pg with Rach but around a Sz 20/22)  It's in September and in my dreams I have a Sz 20 Long Tall Sally dress I want to wear.

I have an issue of researching the hell out of everything before I do it and me and DH have both decided to go on a VLCD.  Not an easy option but when our month of trying to just eat healthily failed miserably, it was a sensible option for us.  DH has never dieted before bar a few weeks on the Atkins diet before our wedding.  The diet was delivered yesterday and I plan on starting on Friday - otherwise we will have another weekend of binging (the 4th since we decided to go on a VLCD and also why my jeans no longer fit as I have PILED the weight on this month)

I have only told 2 close friends I am doing it and tonight told my mum.  Why?  I'm embarrassed.  By the whole thing.  By how big I am cos even though I can cringe at writing I am a Sz 24 actually writing my weight or admitting what I weigh is a whole other issue!!  By the fact that I am going on a VLCD.  Everything.  But mostly because it is hard to admit how much my weight is governing my life, how much being overweight is effecting me. well as being a blog of my crafting, life, etc this will now become a blog into my weight loss journey.  I have a lot to lose but the thought that on this VLCD I could be the size I was when I met DH ( a 14/16) in a year is just amazing.  I have no illusions that it will be easy but I NEED to do this and actually really WANT to do this.

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