Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Babywearing Haiku

For a fab competition on Facebook ran by the lovely Big Mama Slings here's my babywearing haiku - sums up how I feel perfectly :)

Fresh newborn cuddles,
toddler chatter in my ear.
Babywearing, love.


The only downside to this diet is my tiredness.  So many people said you felt great once you hit ketosis etc - well, I just feel knackered...constantly!

And my postman had not been for 2 days!  Gah I want my Wollmeise parcel NOW!! Oh I have a couple of balls of Zauberball OTW too :S  I so need to sell stuff as keep stealing business PP LOL!!  Ack well, it keeps me sane...ish!!

(ETA - and umm, I just appear to have bought 2 more skeins of WM - new addiction!??  But the colours are so stunning...I do refuse to pay the inflated prices though LOL)

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Ouch and Damn!

Today is a general BLAH day....surviving PMT without food was hard and surviving AF's arrival without filling my sore tummy with nice comforting food is harder!! The other ouch is for putting my hand in the washing up bowl and slicing the end of my index finger on a knife - is making knitting slow and painful and I now won't get my pressie finished for Friday :( Oh well would rather it take a few more days and be bigger then rush it!

The Damn....that would be even more bad news from DH's work with the investment group pulling out and handing all their shares over to his highly incompetent MD (since they could not legally get rid of him to continue the reshaping of the company that they had planned) He is looking for another job - nuff said.  Kind of gut wrenching worry mixed with a small amount of excitement as if he got a job elsewhere it would help *us* so much - no more 80+ hour  weeks, no more constantly tired DH... On a plus note - despite AF arriving - have now lost 17.2lbs :) :) :)

Friday, 25 June 2010

A rant

Please do not assume that I do not know what I am doing, do not offend me by quoting incorrect information and assuming I have not researched fully before commencing a life changing choice.

Please do not assume I am taking the easy option, or that I am doing what I am just for the quick results.

Please do not think that I am/will EVER put the welfare of my children before myself.

Please don't sabotage my good work with bad intentioned comments.

And most of all please, just be happy that I am doing this for myself and support me along the way.

Week One

Have survived with only a couple of blips (a mouthful of chicken and a piece of carrot last night without even thinking!) and this week have lost 13lbs exactly :)  Woo hoo

Definitely need to drink more and make sure I don't eat too late as I got far too hungry yesterday and nearly caved :O

But it's a chunk of what I want to lose gone so am proud and happy!

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Yarrrrrrn Mail and Temptation in the oddest of places

Ooooo - I have yet again been nawty on the yarn buying front (and really need to destash!) and today had 3 fibre-y parcels delivered :D

More Kauni - 150g each of EG (the red/pink which I am not so sure of) and EZ (the gorgeous turquoise) and a whopping 290g of ED which was on offer and will match the dress I hope to slim into perfectly!!

Another 9 balls Noro Cash Iroha in blue and emerald green

And another skein of Wollmeise :)  This time Himbeere which is stunning

Unfortunately the lovely lady from Germany that sent it also included my fav German choc Ritter Sport and some Haribo Gold Bears.   It is agony sat looking at them so will have to feed them to the children methinks!!

A brighter day

I finally managed to fix my row of knitting and things are back on track :D  It's such a nice quick and easy knit so hoping to finish the first repeat of Chart A today.  I am rather chuffed that I can read lace charts - for someone who had done no knitting this time last years I think I am doing quite well to be knitting lace hehe  My next thing to defeat is socks - but I have at least 2 more shawls to make before then!!

Scales are showing 10.6lbs off this morning (since Friday) which considering kebab and chips & a Ben and Jerry's on Saturday is rather fab!  Am kind of hoping I can hit a stone by Friday morning.  So surprised that I am not craving sugar as cakes/biscuits/chocolate are my downfall.  I just feel so positive that I can do this, and that once I have lost it all, I will maintain it as more than anything else atm I am craving a nice chicken salad!! Whilst I do did eat a lot of white carbs in huge quantities (rise, pasta, potatoes) I actually love veg and salad more and so a nice low carb diet should be easy with that in mind.  The lack of crap can only be a good think for the whole family as well - the kids are happy to eat juice ice lollies in vast quantities (the best way to keep active LO well hydrated!) and don't seem to missing biscuits/cake etc at all.

Off to make a milkshake :D

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

A teeny tiny negative post

Tonight I feel down - I'm hungry and lonely and have had a rough day, kids have been horrors for various reasons and spent most of the day tinking my knitting.  And how come, even though I am not on NM I seem to be online faaaaaar too much?!?  Internet

I will not cave though as it will be worth it stepping on the scales in the morning...although cooking  homemade Spag Bol and Garlic Bread is soooooo hard :(

Woooooot and blah

The wooot - 8.8lbs down :)  Yay!!

The blah - Didymos order just arrived, thought it was odd there was only one Didy box not to find a Size 5 Agave and a delivery note/invoice addressed to someone else entirely :(  Bugger.

ETA - and now I have 5 stitches too many on my knitting :(

ETA again - DOH!!  Make sure you read knitting pattern/chart properly and don't add a K1 that shouldn't be there.  Now I have muchos tinking to do

Monday, 21 June 2010

Lego Smiles

DS1 has got gradually more obsessed with lego since he got his first lot for his 5th birthday.  He now takes apart and builds them daily and sooo quickly with no help - clever thing that he is!!

Here's today eBay bargain Lego City Roller that has just arrived and was quickly built - check out that happy boy :)

It's working!

I can't decide whether today should be day 4 on the diet or day 2 since I had chippy and Ben & Jerry's on Saturday hehe.  Either way I have now lost 5.8 lbs so it is working :)

I don't feel too bad tbh - it's more getting out of the habit of snacking/eating than anything else.  I am managing okay with making food for everyone else (although V is eating hot buttery toast atm which smells divine!) and the fact that I get to add a meal on weeks 5 and 13 really helps as I know it's not forever iyswim.

If nothing else the fact that I could be a Sz 14 or less by my birthday next year just makes me sooooooo excited....I haven't been that slim, well ever and it's been 11 years since I was a 14/16 so the possibility of being back there in 11 months is just WOW!!

Saturday, 19 June 2010

Travelling Woman WIP

Another shawl WIP - this time a (very!) belated Birthday gift for a fabby friend- Travelling Woman in Zauberball Floral Language.  As usual with me has already been frogged once but is slowly slowly developing and very pretty it is too!!

Not too bad

Well, halfway through Day 2 and I don't feel too bad.  Tired, yes, but that's no different to usual!  Not helped by DH's mobile constantly waking me up this morning grrrrr

DH has decided not to do Exante....apparently he couldn't deal with the taste of the shakes/bars/soup or the concept of not actually eating food.  TBH it royally pissed me off as we had decided to do this together and he didn't even try :(  He knew it would be hard and that the shakes/soups wouldn't be like a McD's shake/Heinz Soup.  Ack well, I didn't cave last night when I felt so low that he quit on me before a day was up so I will be strong, carry on and celebrate the new me when I have lost the weight.

It not an easy option and yes, the thought of not eating is horrible...but the strictness and routine is something that I need (crave) right now and if I have to "suffer" a bit then so what...losing weight has been something I have wanted for years and I am so sick of feeling the way I do. Especially since the excess weight is a result of my breakdown/depression/comfort eating, looking in the mirror is a constant reminder of those things.

I will do this, I will lose weight....and I will be slimmer, healthier and happier as a result.

Friday, 18 June 2010

A bit of yarn porn

Okay, just a very, very small amount of yarn porn - all the new stuff that has arrived in the last week or so...

Lots of Posh Yarn scrumminess, Noro Cash Iroha and check out my first skein of Wollmeise at the top right hehe.  And to celebrate day one of diet success I kind of treated myself to 3 more skeins of Kauni...only because the ED (brown) was majorly reduced and it will make a perfect shawl for the dress I want to wear for the wedding in September (actually since it is a 290g skein I should get 2 shawls at least from it!) one of Exante complete - had a Strawberry Shake, a Chocolate Orange bar and a Mushroom Soup....and not quite enough water as I feel a bit light headed atm. Even managed to not try any of the LO food today even though the smell of fresh ciabatta and cheese was mouth-watering!!

I can do this!

The start...

Today is the day. The start of the diet and a new me (well, us as DH is doing it too!) I am actually looking forward to the process (or rather the result!) and am feeling positive.

Started the day with a nice cup of Green Tea and breakfast was a Strawberry shake (note to self to pick a new whisk up this weekend!!) My worst issue will be remembering to keep well hydrated as I have always been bad for forgetting to drink (and have now got out of the habit of always having a bottle of water with me from BF newborns!)

Talking of breastfeeding, I'm hoping that the diet doesn't affect V too much. He has cut down his BF a lot (for anyone who doesn't know me and is tutting at a BF mum doing a VLCD - V is 2 in 19 days so it's not his only source of food!) and I have even had a couple of night where he, whilst waking up, hasn't asked to feed. Although he does seem to always ask if I am at someone else's house or have people here LOL

Eeek - can't believe my baby is 2 in 19 days either!! Where has the time gone?

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Coffee and cake

There is nothing like coffee and cake and a natter with a good friend (as a bonus sat in the nice sunny garden) to make a nice afternoon.


Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Issue Numero Dos

I've been putting off writing this one...cos it's about me!!

Issue Numero Dos is me... my self image/confidence relating to my weight and my mental health.  I'm not going to hash out the last decade and a half of my mental issues though as there is only 24 hours in a day and I need to sleep sometime this week!  Whilst I have been treated for depression several times in the past (from when I was 14) I have been off any meds or GP treatment since end of 2003.  Wow, nearly 7 years!!  Now I am more and more aware of the fact that I am bipolar and when my mood is heading the wrong way.  I'm also agoraphobic - whilst I am okay pretty much WHEN I am out and about, actually leaving the house alone is a struggle (I'm okay if I am with someone) Something I rarely rarely admit or talk about.

With DH's work/hours, being alone so much etc unfortunately I have been in a downward spiral for a while (manic crafting anyone!) With all the issues over Christmas and since I have gone into my vicious cycle of comfort eating > putting on weight > feeling more depressed as my self-image is so trashed > more comfort eating.  When I had my breakdown in 2001 (with the help of 4 years on Depo Provera as well) I shot up to a Sz 22.  I managed to get down to a Sz 20 when Harri was a year pg again...then lost the weight again when Rach was a year old back to a Sz 20.  Since I got pg with V, lost weight last summer, I have now gone back to a sz 24 ( hangs head in shame)

Losing weight has been one of my dreams for so long and finally I am at the stage when I am fed up of whinging about it and am actually going to do it.  For me.  For DH.  For the LO.  For oh so many reasons.  So I can be happy with myself, so I can dress how I want, so I can stop being embarrassed by myself and my body.  I am sick of binge eating, of stuffing my face with food and not enjoying a bite, of making excuses for myself when I am the only one that can change any of it!!  I want my DH to be proud of me (even though I know he is - but it's my perception that he is embarrassed by his fat wife) I want to have pictures of me and my LO instead of deleting them all because I hate how I look.  I want to be healthy (whilst I have no health issues I am more than aware that at 30 and hideously obese I am not far off developing some!)

So...the kick starter.  Apart from DH's health issues....a family wedding.  His side, who we avoid and none of whom has seen us lately (and when they did I was 20+ weeks pg with Rach but around a Sz 20/22)  It's in September and in my dreams I have a Sz 20 Long Tall Sally dress I want to wear.

I have an issue of researching the hell out of everything before I do it and me and DH have both decided to go on a VLCD.  Not an easy option but when our month of trying to just eat healthily failed miserably, it was a sensible option for us.  DH has never dieted before bar a few weeks on the Atkins diet before our wedding.  The diet was delivered yesterday and I plan on starting on Friday - otherwise we will have another weekend of binging (the 4th since we decided to go on a VLCD and also why my jeans no longer fit as I have PILED the weight on this month)

I have only told 2 close friends I am doing it and tonight told my mum.  Why?  I'm embarrassed.  By the whole thing.  By how big I am cos even though I can cringe at writing I am a Sz 24 actually writing my weight or admitting what I weigh is a whole other issue!!  By the fact that I am going on a VLCD.  Everything.  But mostly because it is hard to admit how much my weight is governing my life, how much being overweight is effecting me. well as being a blog of my crafting, life, etc this will now become a blog into my weight loss journey.  I have a lot to lose but the thought that on this VLCD I could be the size I was when I met DH ( a 14/16) in a year is just amazing.  I have no illusions that it will be easy but I NEED to do this and actually really WANT to do this.

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

I'm gonna get you little fishy....

I had a solemn vow that I would not own Didymos with animals on....never ever.  No bears, geckos, owls, fish for me - I'm more than happy with my Indio's or Nino's (and generally blends)

Sooooo I kind of caved a while a go and got Night Owls...I like the blue but the owls and ghosts are just a bit meh (and DD really dislikes it!)  so it's on my for sale list.  Then last month I traded a Silk Indio for a Goldfish Linen in my fav size 7 which arrived today from Russia.  The colour is just stunning :)  Still not sure about the fishies though...

Monday, 14 June 2010

And a bit of knitting as well

To inspire me mainly as I am in a stage where I just keep frogging whole projects as I keep making stupid mistakes, or don't love the yarn or the knitted fabric.  Here's my first lace project (NM Craft Fairy - was rather gutted to have to give it away LOL but hope it is loved!)  It's a Forest Canopy Shawl in Lilac Breeze Crazy Zauberball.  I love the pattern and the yarn sooo much (and currently have another lace Zauberball shawl on the needles - this time for a fab friend...then I plan on making another shawl for MIL before starting on a Rainbow Kauni Lace shawl for myself!)

And just for laughs....this was my sock yarn stash as of last month....oops!  I've added 3 skiens of Posh Yarn today alone and have even succumbed to the Wollmeise Lust last week....shame my PP account is now empty (and I have already used my"wages" to buy a new Didy and a new leather Kipling bag!)

Summer Flowers

I'm not all doom and gloom (well, mostly but ya know!) and I've spent the afternoon potting on plants in the garden despite it being damp and grey, so here's a few of my playing around shots....I'm naff with the camera, shoot it in auto etc but am loving taking some macro-ish shots of flowers!  If nothing else they're pretty flowers....I've missed gardening (haven't done any *real* gardening, baskets, veggie's for 4/5 years) and am loving every minute - more so because I am doing it all with the LO.

Issue Numero Uno

Well, I started out doing okay but after my terribly depressing birthday post I kind of ran off.  Which is my usual form when my life goes tits up, but running away from your own blog is rather pathetic!!  Although in the last few weeks I have also totally cut myself off from the forum and friends in general :(

Maybe I should just rename this blog as the depressing ramblings of a 30 something frumpy mummy...hmm, but then that is depressing in itself but oh so true LOL!

So folks, why am I running away again?

Issue Numero Uno:

DH's work.  For those  that don't know me well (I am pretending here that anyone other than me will ever read this!) this has been an ongoing issue for years.   A few years back DH got a  promotion, well, it was that or redundancy, which basically meant he was doing both his old 12+ hour a day job PLUS the new job....he works all hours, is knackered constantly and is never on top of his workload anymore and for Mr. OCD that's tough!  DH is a share holder (a lot of money we scraped to find) so that company basically is everything to him (us!)....he works like an idiot to keep it running (in the last hideous years when most UK manufacturing has disappeared)  It's been touch and go, a new MD was brought in to turn things around but there was talk of the inevitable closure until they won a HUGE new contract early last year.  The board decided they would put the money in to keep it going - at the cost of 10% of the share holders wages.

We have struggled on decreased money which eventually placed us in a very bad financial situation, the contract meant that DH worked 7 days a week for 12-18 hours a day.  The last few years have been tough but last year was basically hell.  Then they found out that they had lost several £100k on the contract, directors were fired, redundancies were made and now there is just DH running the company as all the other managers have gone.  There is a Sales Director who is out on the road and the MD.   Despite everything there is no money, the company SHOULD be doing well but it isn't.  The new MD appears to have made things worse and the directors have brought in a new man basically see if there was any point in staying open.

So, today we are meant to find out if - after years of DH killing himself working, committing everything to the company, money, time, almost destroying our marriage (we have almost split up over his work so so so many times these last couple of years as he puts it before us - I know why, he wants to provide for us, etc etc, but I have spent over 2 years bringing my kids up alone, sitting at home on my own all day and night, doing everything myself from housework, DIY, quite literally everything... only seeing him when he comes home to eat and fall asleep (sometimes doing the latter before I have even managed to finish his food)  and his coping mechanism of sleeping constantly drives me mad as I NEED a break or at least some help with everything....FFS I run a business, look after and home school 3 kids as well as do all the housework, home stuff, etc.) - whether they are going into administration.  I don't think I have ever seen DH as depressed as he is atm and if he loses his job then I have no idea what is going to happen...we'll lose the car as that's a company car...we have no savings thank to living on his reduced wages for so long....