Monday, 25 October 2010

I'm baaaaack! (yet again lol)

I actually have a valid reason for not blogging! No, really I do!

As I've said in previous posts, I have been having gallbladder pain/attacks for the last couple of months. I'd got to the point where I was basically eating chicken and noodles/rice all the time as even the slightest amount of fat was making me ill. Being me that didn't make me go to the Dr's...I just coped as I was and well, I actually like chicken and rice/noodles!

On Thursday, 30th Sept DH had taken a rare half day off and I started feeling ill before bedtime. Normally I stay up on my own and cope as best I can but this time it was MUCH more painful, nothing was relieving it and DH stayed up and was rather concerned. I was up all night which is much longer than an attack will usually last and spent the next day on the sofa feeling pants. DH slept all day and the LO pottered nicely enough. At about 9pm I bent over and was in instant pain again. I kind of knew then that it was more than just a gallbladder attack and after a few hours DH made me ring the out of hours dr who told me to go to A&E. I persuaded DH that if it still hurt in the morning I would (kids were all asleep etc) but honestly I was just totally petrified!! I spent all night unable to move without agonising pain throughout my abdomen (LOL and this is from someone who gave birth to a nearly 11lb baby with no pain relief!)

Finally admitted when I got up that I had to go to A&E....I even made sure I had a bag packed as I didn't think I'd be coming home :( At A&E I was sent to Majors within about 5 mins and then spent a rather long time with people trying to get blood and get a cannula in me as I was severely dehydrated. I was dosed up with morphine and given IV fluids - and it was bliss to finally be able to breathe (which was painful!) and relax (although very surreal trying to knit!). I was sent for x-rays of my chest and abdomen as they were concerned my lungs may be collapsing and/or I had a bowel obstruction. They came back clear and I was told that it was definitely gallbladder and acute pancreatitis....and that I was being transferred to a surgical ward.

I was moved to the Emergency Decisions Ward and then at midnight was taken via ambulance to the other hospital in Leicester. I had more tests (no one could get arterial blood samples for my blood gases so I had black wrists from the bruises and attempts) and was hooked up for more fluids and kept nil by mouth (hadn't kept anything down since Thursday anyway) A mix of tramadol/paracetamol & morphine and cyclazine kept the pain and nausea at bay and I was sent for an ultrasound on Sunday night which confirmed gallstones. The pancreatitis was also causing me to be hypoglycemic so I was on hourly to 2 hourly obs most of the time to add to the fun. I was surprised how bearable it was to stay in - although it was helped by meeting lovely people. There were times that it was obvious how over stretched things were....having to wait for an hour after asking for your regular pain relief...being moved beds constantly as the bed shortages were so severe :(

On Tuesday I was sent for a MRCP (MRI Scan). The night before I had been in a lot of pain, not slept, had a huge hypoglycemic episode and was just tired and worried and pissed off. When a nurse quite literally dropped a gown on the end of my bed and told me to totally strip and put it on and wait for my MRI I ended up sitting sobbing. The actual MRI was fine - naff music LOL but I actually did some hypnosis techniques and chilled out. I spent the rest of the day back on maximum doses of morphine though and was still a bit of a wreck - and then was told at 1am I was being moved to another ward across the other side of hospital so wasn't a happy bunny. The next day I finally got to eat - although even a round of toast was too much. I waited all day for my MRI results and then was told in the evening that I needed an ERCP (endoscopy) and then my Gallbladder removed. Apparently the earliest they could do the ERCP was the following Tuesday but I could possibly go home for the weekend. The following morning though the surgeon disagreed and said I didn't need the ERCP and an hour later I was told I was scheduled for emergency surgery that evening!

Cue pure panic....I actually wanted the op as I was still in pain and definitely did not want a recurrence...but was on my own and petrified. I was then once again told to strip and gown up (and do another pregnancy test - they are obsessed!) and then spent all day sat in a gown once again nil by mouth. I was moved to ANOTHER ward but a private room and by 6.30pm told DH he might as well come for his daily 7-8pm visit. At 6.55pm the surgeon came down to say I was next and I was being wheeled to theatre as DH arrived. Luckily for me the anaesthetic assistant had a vet background so we chatted and I geeked out over what they were knocking me out with whilst I had tests and ECG's. It was surreal to be knocked out as literally I remember being given the IV pain meds and then being told here's your Induction and then woke up as I was being moved from the trolley to my bed in recovery - the first thing I did was ask the time as I thought I had come straight out!! It was actually 2 hours later LOL

Unfortunately every time I closed my eyes my oxygen sats crashed (they actually did that when I was in labour with Harrison too) so I was put on oxygen. I was taken back up to the ward at 10ish and was okay (although could hardly talk from the intubation) until my pain meds wore off and then I had to go for a wee...ouch ouch ouch!! I was rather grateful for the morphine!! I was moved AGAIN (see a pattern!) in the morning (and rather badly they didn't reconnect my oxygen or even plug the damn bed in for ages...I was even left dumped in my bed at the end of the ward for about half an hour!)

I was allowed to go home if I could eat and my oxygen sats were okay so I sneakily did A LOT of deep breathing!! I actually didn't feel too bad, but once my morphine ran out it bloomin' hurt. They kicked me out of bed as soon as they gave me my TTO letter even though I had to wait an hour or so for DH to get there....missed my regular pain meds...had no water to take the ones I had either (and I even had to ask for dressings for my drains and wounds before I left)

2 weeks on and I'm okay. The pain is okay now unless I lift/stretch too much...I can finally bend again! Eating is okay as long as it's smallish amounts and not too fatty.  I took my own stitches out LOL (and gee, whoever stitched me up needs to practice!) My main scar was looking like it was going to badly keloid but LOTS of arnica is really helping. I do have withdrawal from dropping down my tramadol though - I cannot sleep at all and have really restless legs (I'm also an emotional miserable bitch)

I meant to take a couple of weeks off but instead was thrown straight into the chaos of my wooden toy Xmas pre-orders...I have to admit I am struggling. I am tired and behind on everything. We have also had no boiler now for 11 days and it is soooo cold and I neeeed a long hot shower. The only plus side - I lost all the weight I had put on ;)

Thursday, 16 September 2010

Ooo and jewellery too!

I'm not a huge jewellery fan - I like semi precious chunky stones and quirky things and actually tend to make my own! But a rather stylish mama introduced me to the delight of Lola Rose and I am utterly in love! I don't have that much but stalk the good old auction site for bargain and must haves and any sales.  My favourite things are the original tumble stone range and my new pink quartz one arrived yesterday




I also just took advantage of the Mid Season Special (although missed a few items I am desperate in love with!) and have a Casey Bracelet and Cameron Earrings set in Rose Pink Quartz and a set of three pairs of Finn earrings in Berry and Plum Quartzite and Blue Magnesite otw - I have been wibbling about ordering them since yesterday but DH insisted I got them before the offer ended!)

P.S Yes, many stash and blog posts due to carb and sugar withdrawal hehe

Shoes and Yarn

What more does a girl need! These are my super super bargain shoes....I originally got them with £15 off and thought that was good - but then they were reduced more to a amazing £9.99 a pair so I'm returning the original pair and keeping the cheaper ones hehe - and at that price I got them in both colours cos a girl needs some cute leather pumps in her stash!



I was super lucky enough to win a $10 off voucher for the lovely Crafty N Clothy esty shop and treated myself to this GORGEOUS merino aran in Gothika - will make myself something gorgeous as I love the colourway so much!


And last but not least to cheer me up - a picture of my current Wollmeise stash - I have a few ISO colours I want to post but just looking at these make me happy (small things..!)


(All 100% - top, left to right: WD Posion Nr 5, Petit Poison, WD True Love, WD Himbeere, Tutu (Medium) Bottom, left to right: WD Neptun, WD Farn, WD Maus Jung, Lila Ludmilla, WD Fliederbusch)

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

I'm baaaaack

Life has been hectic but since I once again seem to be in my hiding mode I decided to come back to blogging as a vent/rant/support type thing. Okay, I am the only one that reads it but it helps to type it out!!

Soooo....what have I been up to?

Knitting

Well, after finding out the wedding was on the Friday not the Sunday as I thought I had a race to finish my knitting...but did it :) (even if I did make it shorter sleeved hehe!) I absolutely love the shrug and wear it often and very much intend on making more!

I don't have pics of me wearing it but here it is blocking



The Wedding

Despite spending ALOT of money on new clothes just in case - the dress fitted and it was actually an okay evening despite some old friends from our tainted past being there! Even managed to have my hair chopped off and henna'd it (and no, I don't do pics of me!)

Work

I finally decided to change my shopping cart and a fantastic friend offered her services as a web designer, and set up new hosting and a new cart and a whole new look site for me!! It's been hard work but love the new shop and am back open again after a week shut - shame it is sooo quiet atm but when I am feeling better I will have to start marketing abit more (as I am not doing any atm!) I can also highly recommend NOT pouring boiling lanolin over you hand as it causes 2nd degree burns and hurts like a bastard!

Me

Well, despite good intentions I never did restart dieting. The last month has just been a hell of flu and sicky bugs - then I started having gallbladder attacks which just left me totally wiped out from pain and lack of sleep. I have been very much neglecting myself again - eating totally crap, no vitamins, no sleep, not drinking enough....back to my old self!! This last week I have also felt incredibly down - and whilst PMT (and lack of starflower/EPO as I keep forgetting) hasn't helped if I am honest it is the whole dieting thing...I am beating myself up for falling off the wagon, for eating crap when I do and generally feeling I have failed. I have also put weight on over the last week so feel totally bleurgh, bloated and naff.

The Diet

And so - I am restarting.

I need to do this for me and I have totally proved to myself that I feel so naff when I eat rubbish. The effect the weight I have put back on has made me feel so so depressed as well. Unfortunately support at home is practically none existent, although DH does like the results on me!

So...I will go back to blogging and boring any one that reads about it!

Friday, 20 August 2010

Ostheimer Woody Goodies!

As a bit of a sideline to my regular stock I also run pre-orders for wooden toys (with the added bonus of course that I can take advantage of wholesale prices for items for the LO)

The latest small Ostheimer order arrived yesterday and it was full of yumminess



And after dinner yesterday the LO set about creating a gorgeous woodland play scene

Noro Knitting

I needed a shrug to go with the dress I  plan hope to wear for the wedding (in 16 days :O) and after much umming and ahhing over matching shoes and slings I chose a gorgeous shade of Noro Silk Garden Lite.





I'm now 6 repeats into around a 14 repeat pattern so had better get a move on and get this baby knitted and blocked!!

It's been awhile....

Actually quite a poignant title...I think the Staind song with the same title has a few lines that are more than appropriate at the moment...

It's been a while
Since I could...
Hold my head up high...

It's been a while
Since I could say
I love myself as well and...

It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up
Just like I always do

I remember saying to my mum a few weeks into the diet that it was easy - I wasn't hungry and felt good.  And yet I still sabotaged the weight loss, started playing around, substituting meals and then unconsciously I guess, thinking one bite won't hurt.  Instead of making a healthy choice at dinner time if I was still hungry or didn't want a soup etc I'd pick on left overs...in fact left overs have become my worst enemy!  I can go all day fine and then dinner destroys all my good intentions.

For the couple of weeks I have vowed to myself to get back to 100% but then think....just one more meal/day...and then the vicious cycle of beating myself up....3 weeks of playing around means I am 3/4 stone off my target now and the wedding looms and the dress fits but not well....

So, I'm back to blogging as my support net.  I don't want to bore friends and family (DH seems rather indifferent to it all) with my long term struggles and don't want to be judged on the forum for doing a VLCD so here I am!!

Prepare for waffle!!

Friday, 23 July 2010

Something Scrummy for a Yummy Mummy

I finally finished my Travelling Woman shawl at the beginning of the week and (thank goodness!) my wonderful friend liked it so here's the pics.





Thursday, 15 July 2010

Food

I have let myself down and this week am actually showing a weight gain.  I have just eaten left over pasta bake in a daze of self-hatred - not much, but any is too much.  I feel sick and annoyed at myself.  I have become complacent and thought I could adapt and cheat and instead have sabotaged my own goals.

So, I need to move on from this and start over - with a fresh slate and outlook.  My goal is too important to cheat and lie to myself.

Not much more to add really but I will finish with some pictures of my LO - eating no less LOL



Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Offline and Out of Touch

So we lost broadband...for over a week! Not the best when you run an online shop :S We have kind of bodged our way back online at the moment (cables...I ask ya!) but is better than nothing!!  The last week has been strange. I have enjoyed spending time with the kids without the lure of the net and the endless wasted hours on the 'puter. The house is was tidier and I even spent a gruelling day (resulting in bleeding hands that are only just healing) hacking down the jungle of a garden.

However, the time had left me feeling more isolated than ever. Along with an offhand comment which has made me doubt myself even more and makes me even more unsure of reposting in my old haunts. What possible use am I anyway? It's odd as at the end of last week - with a loss in 3 weeks of 24 lbs - I felt better than ever. Yet certain comments  keep running through my mind and making me doubt myself. I think I just feel forgotten. No one remembered my LO's 2nd birthday - again not important but still kind of hurts. No one seems to miss me when I am not online - which adds to my feeling's of not belonging.  Paranoia maybe, gawd knows I disappear enough when things get rough. I just feel useless. Am even doubting the shop as I now look at all the WAHM's selling similar when originally I was a unique concept and wonder why I bother?
Sigh!!

Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Babywearing Haiku

For a fab competition on Facebook ran by the lovely Big Mama Slings here's my babywearing haiku - sums up how I feel perfectly :)

Fresh newborn cuddles,
toddler chatter in my ear.
Babywearing, love.

Yawn!

The only downside to this diet is my tiredness.  So many people said you felt great once you hit ketosis etc - well, I just feel knackered...constantly!

And my postman had not been for 2 days!  Gah I want my Wollmeise parcel NOW!! Oh I have a couple of balls of Zauberball OTW too :S  I so need to sell stuff as keep stealing business PP LOL!!  Ack well, it keeps me sane...ish!!

(ETA - and umm, I just appear to have bought 2 more skeins of WM - new addiction!??  But the colours are so stunning...I do refuse to pay the inflated prices though LOL)

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Ouch and Damn!

Today is a general BLAH day....surviving PMT without food was hard and surviving AF's arrival without filling my sore tummy with nice comforting food is harder!! The other ouch is for putting my hand in the washing up bowl and slicing the end of my index finger on a knife - is making knitting slow and painful and I now won't get my pressie finished for Friday :( Oh well would rather it take a few more days and be bigger then rush it!

The Damn....that would be even more bad news from DH's work with the investment group pulling out and handing all their shares over to his highly incompetent MD (since they could not legally get rid of him to continue the reshaping of the company that they had planned) He is looking for another job - nuff said.  Kind of gut wrenching worry mixed with a small amount of excitement as if he got a job elsewhere it would help *us* so much - no more 80+ hour  weeks, no more constantly tired DH... On a plus note - despite AF arriving - have now lost 17.2lbs :) :) :)

Friday, 25 June 2010

A rant

Please do not assume that I do not know what I am doing, do not offend me by quoting incorrect information and assuming I have not researched fully before commencing a life changing choice.

Please do not assume I am taking the easy option, or that I am doing what I am just for the quick results.

Please do not think that I am/will EVER put the welfare of my children before myself.

Please don't sabotage my good work with bad intentioned comments.

And most of all please, just be happy that I am doing this for myself and support me along the way.

Week One

Have survived with only a couple of blips (a mouthful of chicken and a piece of carrot last night without even thinking!) and this week have lost 13lbs exactly :)  Woo hoo

Definitely need to drink more and make sure I don't eat too late as I got far too hungry yesterday and nearly caved :O

But it's a chunk of what I want to lose gone so am proud and happy!

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Yarrrrrrn Mail and Temptation in the oddest of places

Ooooo - I have yet again been nawty on the yarn buying front (and really need to destash!) and today had 3 fibre-y parcels delivered :D


More Kauni - 150g each of EG (the red/pink which I am not so sure of) and EZ (the gorgeous turquoise) and a whopping 290g of ED which was on offer and will match the dress I hope to slim into perfectly!!

Another 9 balls Noro Cash Iroha in blue and emerald green

And another skein of Wollmeise :)  This time Himbeere which is stunning


Unfortunately the lovely lady from Germany that sent it also included my fav German choc Ritter Sport and some Haribo Gold Bears.   It is agony sat looking at them so will have to feed them to the children methinks!!

A brighter day

I finally managed to fix my row of knitting and things are back on track :D  It's such a nice quick and easy knit so hoping to finish the first repeat of Chart A today.  I am rather chuffed that I can read lace charts - for someone who had done no knitting this time last years I think I am doing quite well to be knitting lace hehe  My next thing to defeat is socks - but I have at least 2 more shawls to make before then!!

Scales are showing 10.6lbs off this morning (since Friday) which considering kebab and chips & a Ben and Jerry's on Saturday is rather fab!  Am kind of hoping I can hit a stone by Friday morning.  So surprised that I am not craving sugar as cakes/biscuits/chocolate are my downfall.  I just feel so positive that I can do this, and that once I have lost it all, I will maintain it as more than anything else atm I am craving a nice chicken salad!! Whilst I do did eat a lot of white carbs in huge quantities (rise, pasta, potatoes) I actually love veg and salad more and so a nice low carb diet should be easy with that in mind.  The lack of crap can only be a good think for the whole family as well - the kids are happy to eat juice ice lollies in vast quantities (the best way to keep active LO well hydrated!) and don't seem to missing biscuits/cake etc at all.

Off to make a milkshake :D

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

A teeny tiny negative post

Tonight I feel down - I'm hungry and lonely and have had a rough day, kids have been horrors for various reasons and spent most of the day tinking my knitting.  And how come, even though I am not on NM I seem to be online faaaaaar too much?!?  Internet Addict...moi??

I will not cave though as it will be worth it stepping on the scales in the morning...although cooking  homemade Spag Bol and Garlic Bread is soooooo hard :(

Woooooot and blah

The wooot - 8.8lbs down :)  Yay!!

The blah - Didymos order just arrived, thought it was odd there was only one Didy box not two....open to find a Size 5 Agave and a delivery note/invoice addressed to someone else entirely :(  Bugger.

ETA - and now I have 5 stitches too many on my knitting :(

ETA again - DOH!!  Make sure you read knitting pattern/chart properly and don't add a K1 that shouldn't be there.  Now I have muchos tinking to do

Monday, 21 June 2010

Lego Smiles

DS1 has got gradually more obsessed with lego since he got his first lot for his 5th birthday.  He now takes apart and builds them daily and sooo quickly with no help - clever thing that he is!!

Here's today eBay bargain Lego City Roller that has just arrived and was quickly built - check out that happy boy :)

It's working!

I can't decide whether today should be day 4 on the diet or day 2 since I had chippy and Ben & Jerry's on Saturday hehe.  Either way I have now lost 5.8 lbs so it is working :)

I don't feel too bad tbh - it's more getting out of the habit of snacking/eating than anything else.  I am managing okay with making food for everyone else (although V is eating hot buttery toast atm which smells divine!) and the fact that I get to add a meal on weeks 5 and 13 really helps as I know it's not forever iyswim.

If nothing else the fact that I could be a Sz 14 or less by my birthday next year just makes me sooooooo excited....I haven't been that slim, well ever and it's been 11 years since I was a 14/16 so the possibility of being back there in 11 months is just WOW!!

Saturday, 19 June 2010

Travelling Woman WIP

Another shawl WIP - this time a (very!) belated Birthday gift for a fabby friend- Travelling Woman in Zauberball Floral Language.  As usual with me has already been frogged once but is slowly slowly developing and very pretty it is too!!

Not too bad

Well, halfway through Day 2 and I don't feel too bad.  Tired, yes, but that's no different to usual!  Not helped by DH's mobile constantly waking me up this morning grrrrr

DH has decided not to do Exante....apparently he couldn't deal with the taste of the shakes/bars/soup or the concept of not actually eating food.  TBH it royally pissed me off as we had decided to do this together and he didn't even try :(  He knew it would be hard and that the shakes/soups wouldn't be like a McD's shake/Heinz Soup.  Ack well, I didn't cave last night when I felt so low that he quit on me before a day was up so I will be strong, carry on and celebrate the new me when I have lost the weight.

It not an easy option and yes, the thought of not eating is horrible...but the strictness and routine is something that I need (crave) right now and if I have to "suffer" a bit then so what...losing weight has been something I have wanted for years and I am so sick of feeling the way I do. Especially since the excess weight is a result of my breakdown/depression/comfort eating, looking in the mirror is a constant reminder of those things.

I will do this, I will lose weight....and I will be slimmer, healthier and happier as a result.

Friday, 18 June 2010

A bit of yarn porn

Okay, just a very, very small amount of yarn porn - all the new stuff that has arrived in the last week or so...


Lots of Posh Yarn scrumminess, Noro Cash Iroha and check out my first skein of Wollmeise at the top right hehe.  And to celebrate day one of diet success I kind of treated myself to 3 more skeins of Kauni...only because the ED (brown) was majorly reduced and it will make a perfect shawl for the dress I want to wear for the wedding in September (actually since it is a 290g skein I should get 2 shawls at least from it!)

Sooooo...day one of Exante complete - had a Strawberry Shake, a Chocolate Orange bar and a Mushroom Soup....and not quite enough water as I feel a bit light headed atm. Even managed to not try any of the LO food today even though the smell of fresh ciabatta and cheese was mouth-watering!!

I can do this!

The start...

Today is the day. The start of the diet and a new me (well, us as DH is doing it too!) I am actually looking forward to the process (or rather the result!) and am feeling positive.

Started the day with a nice cup of Green Tea and breakfast was a Strawberry shake (note to self to pick a new whisk up this weekend!!) My worst issue will be remembering to keep well hydrated as I have always been bad for forgetting to drink (and have now got out of the habit of always having a bottle of water with me from BF newborns!)

Talking of breastfeeding, I'm hoping that the diet doesn't affect V too much. He has cut down his BF a lot (for anyone who doesn't know me and is tutting at a BF mum doing a VLCD - V is 2 in 19 days so it's not his only source of food!) and I have even had a couple of night where he, whilst waking up, hasn't asked to feed. Although he does seem to always ask if I am at someone else's house or have people here LOL

Eeek - can't believe my baby is 2 in 19 days either!! Where has the time gone?

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Coffee and cake

There is nothing like coffee and cake and a natter with a good friend (as a bonus sat in the nice sunny garden) to make a nice afternoon.

Bliss!

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Issue Numero Dos

I've been putting off writing this one...cos it's about me!!

Issue Numero Dos is me... my self image/confidence relating to my weight and my mental health.  I'm not going to hash out the last decade and a half of my mental issues though as there is only 24 hours in a day and I need to sleep sometime this week!  Whilst I have been treated for depression several times in the past (from when I was 14) I have been off any meds or GP treatment since end of 2003.  Wow, nearly 7 years!!  Now I am more and more aware of the fact that I am bipolar and when my mood is heading the wrong way.  I'm also agoraphobic - whilst I am okay pretty much WHEN I am out and about, actually leaving the house alone is a struggle (I'm okay if I am with someone) Something I rarely rarely admit or talk about.

With DH's work/hours, being alone so much etc unfortunately I have been in a downward spiral for a while (manic crafting anyone!) With all the issues over Christmas and since I have gone into my vicious cycle of comfort eating > putting on weight > feeling more depressed as my self-image is so trashed > more comfort eating.  When I had my breakdown in 2001 (with the help of 4 years on Depo Provera as well) I shot up to a Sz 22.  I managed to get down to a Sz 20 when Harri was a year old....got pg again...then lost the weight again when Rach was a year old back to a Sz 20.  Since I got pg with V, lost weight last summer, I have now gone back to a sz 24 ( hangs head in shame)

Losing weight has been one of my dreams for so long and finally I am at the stage when I am fed up of whinging about it and am actually going to do it.  For me.  For DH.  For the LO.  For oh so many reasons.  So I can be happy with myself, so I can dress how I want, so I can stop being embarrassed by myself and my body.  I am sick of binge eating, of stuffing my face with food and not enjoying a bite, of making excuses for myself when I am the only one that can change any of it!!  I want my DH to be proud of me (even though I know he is - but it's my perception that he is embarrassed by his fat wife) I want to have pictures of me and my LO instead of deleting them all because I hate how I look.  I want to be healthy (whilst I have no health issues I am more than aware that at 30 and hideously obese I am not far off developing some!)

So...the kick starter.  Apart from DH's health issues....a family wedding.  His side, who we avoid and none of whom has seen us lately (and when they did I was 20+ weeks pg with Rach but around a Sz 20/22)  It's in September and in my dreams I have a Sz 20 Long Tall Sally dress I want to wear.

I have an issue of researching the hell out of everything before I do it and me and DH have both decided to go on a VLCD.  Not an easy option but when our month of trying to just eat healthily failed miserably, it was a sensible option for us.  DH has never dieted before bar a few weeks on the Atkins diet before our wedding.  The diet was delivered yesterday and I plan on starting on Friday - otherwise we will have another weekend of binging (the 4th since we decided to go on a VLCD and also why my jeans no longer fit as I have PILED the weight on this month)

I have only told 2 close friends I am doing it and tonight told my mum.  Why?  I'm embarrassed.  By the whole thing.  By how big I am cos even though I can cringe at writing I am a Sz 24 actually writing my weight or admitting what I weigh is a whole other issue!!  By the fact that I am going on a VLCD.  Everything.  But mostly because it is hard to admit how much my weight is governing my life, how much being overweight is effecting me.

So...as well as being a blog of my crafting, life, etc this will now become a blog into my weight loss journey.  I have a lot to lose but the thought that on this VLCD I could be the size I was when I met DH ( a 14/16) in a year is just amazing.  I have no illusions that it will be easy but I NEED to do this and actually really WANT to do this.

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

I'm gonna get you little fishy....

I had a solemn vow that I would not own Didymos with animals on....never ever.  No bears, geckos, owls, fish for me - I'm more than happy with my Indio's or Nino's (and generally blends)

Sooooo I kind of caved a while a go and got Night Owls...I like the blue but the owls and ghosts are just a bit meh (and DD really dislikes it!)  so it's on my for sale list.  Then last month I traded a Silk Indio for a Goldfish Linen in my fav size 7 which arrived today from Russia.  The colour is just stunning :)  Still not sure about the fishies though...

Monday, 14 June 2010

And a bit of knitting as well

To inspire me mainly as I am in a stage where I just keep frogging whole projects as I keep making stupid mistakes, or don't love the yarn or the knitted fabric.  Here's my first lace project (NM Craft Fairy - was rather gutted to have to give it away LOL but hope it is loved!)  It's a Forest Canopy Shawl in Lilac Breeze Crazy Zauberball.  I love the pattern and the yarn sooo much (and currently have another lace Zauberball shawl on the needles - this time for a fab friend...then I plan on making another shawl for MIL before starting on a Rainbow Kauni Lace shawl for myself!)


And just for laughs....this was my sock yarn stash as of last month....oops!  I've added 3 skiens of Posh Yarn today alone and have even succumbed to the Wollmeise Lust last week....shame my PP account is now empty (and I have already used my"wages" to buy a new Didy and a new leather Kipling bag!)

Summer Flowers

I'm not all doom and gloom (well, mostly but ya know!) and I've spent the afternoon potting on plants in the garden despite it being damp and grey, so here's a few of my playing around shots....I'm naff with the camera, shoot it in auto etc but am loving taking some macro-ish shots of flowers!  If nothing else they're pretty flowers....I've missed gardening (haven't done any *real* gardening, baskets, veggie's for 4/5 years) and am loving every minute - more so because I am doing it all with the LO.


Issue Numero Uno

Well, I started out doing okay but after my terribly depressing birthday post I kind of ran off.  Which is my usual form when my life goes tits up, but running away from your own blog is rather pathetic!!  Although in the last few weeks I have also totally cut myself off from the forum and friends in general :(

Maybe I should just rename this blog as the depressing ramblings of a 30 something frumpy mummy...hmm, but then that is depressing in itself but oh so true LOL!

So folks, why am I running away again?

Issue Numero Uno:

DH's work.  For those  that don't know me well (I am pretending here that anyone other than me will ever read this!) this has been an ongoing issue for years.   A few years back DH got a  promotion, well, it was that or redundancy, which basically meant he was doing both his old 12+ hour a day job PLUS the new job....he works all hours, is knackered constantly and is never on top of his workload anymore and for Mr. OCD that's tough!  DH is a share holder (a lot of money we scraped to find) so that company basically is everything to him (us!)....he works like an idiot to keep it running (in the last hideous years when most UK manufacturing has disappeared)  It's been touch and go, a new MD was brought in to turn things around but there was talk of the inevitable closure until they won a HUGE new contract early last year.  The board decided they would put the money in to keep it going - at the cost of 10% of the share holders wages.

We have struggled on decreased money which eventually placed us in a very bad financial situation, the contract meant that DH worked 7 days a week for 12-18 hours a day.  The last few years have been tough but last year was basically hell.  Then they found out that they had lost several £100k on the contract, directors were fired, redundancies were made and now there is just DH running the company as all the other managers have gone.  There is a Sales Director who is out on the road and the MD.   Despite everything there is no money, the company SHOULD be doing well but it isn't.  The new MD appears to have made things worse and the directors have brought in a new man AGAIN....to basically see if there was any point in staying open.

So, today we are meant to find out if - after years of DH killing himself working, committing everything to the company, money, time, almost destroying our marriage (we have almost split up over his work so so so many times these last couple of years as he puts it before us - I know why, he wants to provide for us, etc etc, but I have spent over 2 years bringing my kids up alone, sitting at home on my own all day and night, doing everything myself from housework, DIY, quite literally everything... only seeing him when he comes home to eat and fall asleep (sometimes doing the latter before I have even managed to finish his food)  and his coping mechanism of sleeping constantly drives me mad as I NEED a break or at least some help with everything....FFS I run a business, look after and home school 3 kids as well as do all the housework, home stuff, etc.) - whether they are going into administration.  I don't think I have ever seen DH as depressed as he is atm and if he loses his job then I have no idea what is going to happen...we'll lose the car as that's a company car...we have no savings thank to living on his reduced wages for so long....

Sunday, 25 April 2010

The problem with having expectations...

...is that it invariably backfires on you.

Today backfired in spectacular style and I can't quite decide if I am stupid and childish for actually *wanting* something nice/a nice day for my birthday and to expect it to be more than any other day.

Regardless, I think I can count this as the worst birthday ever.

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Blah

I think that just about sums it up!

I now have a love hate relationship with this damn shawl - I love the pattern, love the yarn, love how it looks, HATE knitting it, HATE that it has taken me so long and that I just can't seem to knit it for more than 5 mins but neeeeeed to and HATE that I can't do anything else crafty until it is done.  I want to do 6 more repeats of the lace pattern before I start the bottom edge and bind off - but the way I am going that could take me another week and then it needs blocking, drying and posting off...

Have had a stressful morning as the shop admin was hacked, have insurance issues (umm I may have forgotten to change the DD details when we changed banks again) and the LO won't let me make a phone call in peace to sort it, did I mention DD was up a gazillion times AGAIN last night so am knackered AGAIN and am stressed over the husbeast - he is now having a barrage of tests over the next couple of days to try and get to the bottom of whatever is wrong with him.

*Sigh* I just can't concentrate and the whole craft fairy thing is making me more stressed....I could be the first ever mod to be banned from craft fairy LOL!!

I actually feel sick with stress...which is never good.  And yet I am still sat at the puter and not knitting!

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Sunny days

Ooo yay for a warm sunny day!! It means my hand dyed yarn from yesterday is finally dry and I'm pretty impressed (and can see a new hobby on the horizon!)


And for a bit more yarnie geekiness...take a £6 PPD eBay Bargain Vintage Yarn Winder, a damp cloth to clean it up...


...and voila! 5 minutes later a skein of sock yarn looks like this...cake anyone hehe!


And just to make it all a bit more pic heavy - some pictures of the our fruit tress which are all in blossom

Monday, 19 April 2010

Just another manic Monday....

I'm not a fan of Monday's - never have been :S

Today I have been pretty productive though - hand dyeing yarn for the first time.  I thought I would buy a couple of skeins of naked yarn with my last Violet Green order - meant to buy sock weight but accidently (duh!) bought aran so used the Wilton that I already had in the cupboard in Sky Blue and Kelly Green as DS1 has requested I knit him something with it.  It's drying now so fingers crossed it looks okay - and knits up okay as well!  It was very enjoyable though and I'll definitely do more...hoping to get some kool aid as well as more Wilton's

I really, really have no excuses left and HAVE to sit and knit like a manic thing to finish my craft fairy item....it's actually making me feel anxious now but I just haven't seemed to find time to sit and do much over the weekend.

Fingers crossed as well for the husbeast - who is at the GP in an hour and a half to finally try to get to the bottom of what is wrong with him.

Right - puter off and needles out....

Thursday, 15 April 2010

Brrrrr

Blimey it's cold today!!  The LO have even asked for the fire on whilst they are playing and I'm more than happy to oblige!!

I've had yet another bundle of woolly goodness arrive this morning along with some other knitting goodies...what can I say - I have PayPal and must spend it!!



I really must turn spend today cleaning and knitting - I desperately need to hoover and wash up and am now 2 days behind on my craft fairy project :S  Staying off forums and the shop being quiet is helping but being exhausted and DS2 still being full of cold means I am far from productive!

I think Thistle (the kitty whore) has the best idea - although why she constantly chooses to sleep inside canvas tote bags is beyond me!!

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Yarn and Sewing

For the last 5+ years my fluffy mail has consisted mainly of cloth nappies, woollies (for cloth nappies) and slings.  They have been my great passion, the basis of many, many of my friendships, the very passion that led me to open my dream online shop and be a WAHM.  Even the reason I joined the forum that I now help mod.

But my babies are growing and DS2 is our last.  At 21 months he is now the oldest child I have ever had without either having a newborn or being imminently due another baby.  Whilst I still BF on demand, he is still in nappies (although he is nappy free at home during the day) and is still worn whilst we are out and for the occasional nap at home, I feel like a huge important chapter of my life is coming to an end...and I don't feel ready.  I feel at a loss and like I suddenly don't belong.   My experience seems to becoming outdated and I feel, well, old!

So, in my usual fashion, I have thrown myself into another hobby and gone back to crafting.  Last year I finally started to teach myself to knit, something I have longed to do since my love for longies etc began (alas rather too late to make my own LO longies and soakers though!)   As I have destashed my baby things I have manically stashed yarn and other knitting notions (Knitpro needles hehe!)
So today's fluff to cheer my up was a large parcel of Schoppel Wolle Zauberball from the lovely Sarah at Brownberry Yarns.  Honestly I now have so much yarn that I could probably knit shawls and socks and other things until I am old and past it...but hey it makes me happy. And if nothing else I will just gaze at the gorgeous yarn and dream of what I could make!

Since my current knitting project - a surprise craft fairy shawl - hit a huge bump last night that ended in me having to frog 2 days knitting (leaving me worried I may not have time to actually finish unless I knit like a mad thing!)  and today I am feeling once again, ridiculously tired and generally pee'd off I decided it was best not to try and do any - instead I am working on my other project of sewing myself project bags and needle cases for my rather vast Knitpro collection. My first project bag is done but is about to be unpicked and have the top sewn again as I am unhappy with it (was distracted and then my needle broke as well as my bobbin running out - one of *those* cursed sewing projects!)


So I will go back to my sewing, ignore the bomb site that is the house after a couple of days of laziness, and try to push the concerns about not belonging and my future to the back of my mind.  The husbeast is away tonight so just me and the small snotty ones to sort out...I feel a rather lazy night of DVD's and snacking ahead!

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Zzzzzzzz

Urgh - ever had one of those days where just staying awake is a struggle?  At the moment it's a daily occurrence here.

We have over the last couple of weeks changed the sleeping arrangements in the house.  I finally tackled the dumping ground that was a spare room and turned it into a bedroom for DD (who has been asking for a bedroom of her own for ages - up until then she co-slept) and she was ecstatic and loved it....until she was ill over the bank holiday weekend.  Now we have a nightly routine of excuses why she can't sleep in there...."It's really really scary", "It's not pink enough", "The walls are white and I DON'T LIKE white", "The light is purple and I DON'T LIKE PURPLE"  *Sigh*

So with DD moving out of my bed, that meant that after ummm several (5ish!) years of sleeping apart (mainly due to his snoring/apnoea and lack of room due to co-sleeping with up to 3 LO!) the husbeast could move back in.  Which created 2 issues - he had been co-sleeping with DS1 who wasn't best pleased with having to sleep alone (although he actually happily falls asleep looking at books every night) and, as DS2 still co-sleeps, after just one night the husbeast declared that there just wasn't enough room for all 3 of in a double bed...something I was inclined to agree with (neither me or husbeast are petite LOL!)

Cue me spending my hard saved (for an iPhone!) money on a super king size bed.  It arrived at the end of last week and OMG it is huge (and you need a step ladder to get in it!) It is literally the comfiest thing I have ever slept in so am one happy bunny in that respect (and DS1 thinks it's okay as well!)


Sooo....why are we all knackered??  Well, as I said over the bank holiday weekend all the LO caught some crappy cold/flu bug and so they spent several days each up all night.  DS2 is still in the end stages so has a constant stream of snot and is up most of the night feeding.

And then there is husbeast...who has always slept like the dead.  Quite literally, as it normally takes me up to an hour to get him to wake up of a morning and he can sleep through, well anything I have ever tried!!  Over the last couple of years due to working more hours than humanly possible, stress at work etc he is always tired and generally comes home and falls asleep straight the way and spends most of the weekend sleeping too.  At the beginning of the year he was pretty ill and started waking at night (which has always killed him the next day) and we went through a pretty stressful time over Christmas/New Year and we put a lot of it down to stress so when things were resolved at the end of Jan and we hoped/assumed he would start sleeping better.

Suffice to say, he didn't.

So now he gets up up to hourly - is a total wreck and so am I.  When he does sleep his snoring is monumentally bad so keeps me awake.  Worse, there is a high possibility that it's due to a health issue but getting him to to a) go to the GP and b) getting an appointment with the GP are practically impossible.

I've suffered from insomnia for as long as I can remember but this is just a league of it's own with everyone waking up several times a night, we're all cranky as a result and the worse thing atm is I have a rather urgent WIP to finish knitting and am finding lace work and tiredness leads to a lot of swearing and ripping back.  Ack well, I guess I'll make another cuppa (which is decaff anyway lol) and carry on *yawn*

Oooo, a blog!

Well, why not!  Now whether I'll manage to keep up with it or ever let anyone else read it, well that's another matter hehe.   If nothing else I'll post a load of depressing ranting and bore people to tears!

So, why now?  Well, in just 12 days I am 30.  Not that big a deal, I know and in reality being 30 doesn't *really* bother me.  Birthdays however, I always seem to feel sad about and this year more than ever I have been looking at myself and thinking...blah!  So what better milestone to start to try to change the things I'm miserable about and change/improve my perception of myself and life as a whole.  My twenties have been punctuated with more crap than I care to admit BUT I have survived it all, so time to take my thirties for making myself happy.